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No Strings Sex – Does It Exist?
Posted in: Sex Tips
Nov 29, 2007 - 11:52:10 AM
This is a debate that could potentially go on forever as there are so many opinions on the topic.
No-strings sex goes by varying names; casual sex, one night stands, fuck buddies, etc. What it basically means is two people who are not in a relationship having sex with each other, usually on a regular basis.
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No-strings sex goes by varying names; casual sex, one night stands, fuck buddies, etc. What it basically means is two people who are not in a relationship having sex with each other, usually on a regular basis. But the no-strings part is the important part. Ideally, neither person in the arrangement should have feelings for the other. Of course there are going to be feelings of lust, or why would you want to have sex with each other? But you shouldn’t want to be in a long-term relationship with the other person, because this way, you will just be setting yourself up for pain and heartbreak.
It takes a very special kind of relationship for two people to be intimate with one another without crossing the boundary into being a couple. It’s very important for ground rules to be laid out in the beginning. These rules usually surround what happens if one of you meets someone with whom you would like to have a proper relationship with, i.e. your arrangement ceases. Since this is a no-strings arrangement, it mostly indicates that both partners are welcome to have sexual relations with other people if they so wish, as they are not having an exclusive relationship.
As I said, there are usually very special circumstances that begin each one of these unique arrangements, and it often depends on how they begin as to whether they will work and if someone will end up getting hurt.
A sex-only relationship often begins when a couple break up. There may be numerous reasons why the couple have split up in the first place but often what happens is they are not quite ready to make the break. So if they see each other again and end up in bed together, it confuses matters. One or both of the couple may think that because they’ve had sex again it means everything is OK again and the relationship is back on. It’s important never to assume this. Just because you’ve had sex with someone it doesn’t necessarily mean you should be together. It may just be a way for you to cling onto what you’ve lost. If this happens to you, it’s essential you’re honest with your partner, and that you both discuss what it means. In some cases, it may mean you’re back together, in which case that’s great, but don’t use sex to cover up the problems that caused you to split in the first place because you may find yourself in the same situation again in the near future.
Of course, the encounter may mean that you’re still not together, but there is a chance you could be, given time. So talk to each other, and try to steer clear of having sex again until you’ve sorted out your problems. Lust can often cloud a person’s judgement and make them do things they wouldn’t normally do, or glaze over problems that in the light of day would seem much more serious. So again, honesty is the key. If you do want to get back together, talk and get to the bottom of your original disagreement. Sex doesn’t save a relationship, it may just drag out the ending and therefore prolong the pain.
If there’s no chance you will ever get back together, then this is where you really need to look at what you’re doing. If it was a mutual break up and you’re both happy with the decision, then you’re in a great situation. If you’re both genuinely ready to move on, then that’s great, and you may then entertain the idea of sleeping together on occasion. This is often done because the ex-couple enjoy sex, and indeed, enjoy sex with one another, and they would prefer to do it together than with a stranger. If this is definitely what you both want, then it can work out. You have to be honest with each other and discuss what it means, i.e. it’s just sex. But if one of you has doubts, or still would like the relationship to work, please don’t even go there!
Things can be said and done when people are pleasuring one another that don’t necessarily mean a lot at other times. Therefore if one person does have feelings for the other, they may think the fact they are still having sex means they will get back together one day. And if it is definitely not what the other person wants, then the other party is going to get hurt. So if feelings are still involved – steer clear. It should be made obvious that it is just a physical relationship to fulfil your sexual needs.
Remember, though, that since you are no longer in a relationship with one another that you should really be practising safe sex. In this non-exclusive sexual relationship you are both free to see and sleep with other people, with whom you should also practise safe sex. There is nothing wrong with maintaining a sexual relationship with more than one person at once, but there is if you’re not being safe. All it would take is for one person to have an infection, and suddenly, things could get very messy. As well as embarrassing and possibly painful trips to the doctor, you have to break the news all round, and you risk losing the relationship with your ‘fuck-buddy’ – someone you used to be close to.
Situations like this can often ease the pain of a break up. Even a mutual break up can leave people upset, because although they don’t want to be together as a couple, they may miss spending time together and miss what they had when things were good. So sometimes it can smooth the transition from a couple that may spend lots of time together and see each other several times a week, to two good friends. The sexual side of things may eventually just peter out on its own. Hopefully you can both be mature enough to look back on your relationship with happy memories and go on being friends. It can happen.
However, sometimes it can make the break-up worse because you are still spending time together, which makes it much more difficult to get over one another. So depending on how you’re feeling, it might be better for one or both of you just to have no contact whatsoever for a while, until things have settled down. Often a clean break is what you need to start moving on with your life.
On the other hand, it is possible to have a ‘fuck-buddy’ who has never been your partner. It could be a one-night that has developed into a regular occurrence without all the other things that go with a relationship. It might be that you don’t feel as though you’re right for each other in that way, but would like to continue sleeping together. In this case, then that’s great because if it’s a mutual agreement then again, feelings have no bearing on the situation and it is simply the means to an end – you are both fulfilling your sexual desires.
You should make sure, though, that if you do wish to begin a relationship with this person that you are cautious. Make sure first that it is what you really want. It could be the physical intimacy that you’re sharing that is leading you to believe that you want to begin seeing your ‘fuck-buddy’ properly. However, if you do develop strong feelings and you’re sure it’s what you want then you should be honest immediately. You’re risking everything by doing this, because you could get turned down and then feel hurt. But if you have feelings for your sexual partner and you continue to sleep together without saying anything, then you’re in danger of thinking that it will develop into something more, even if it won’t. You are best to save yourself the embarrassment and potential heartbreak and be honest straight away.
You could be lucky and find out that the other person feels the same about you, which is fantastic. But you must make sure you have started a relationship for the right reasons – and that it is not something that is based purely on sex, as relationships based on sex often peter out when the initial attraction wears off and you realise you don’t actually have much in common except a healthy sexual appetite. However, if it turns into a fully-functioning relationship then congratulations!
Those that aren’t so lucky, and get rejected should do their best to move on. Please make sure that you don’t continue having sex in the hope that they might change their mind and decide they do want to be with you, because it’s unlikely. If they had wanted to start a relationship then they would have jumped at the chance when you confessed your feelings. Do not let the other person use you purely for sex if you’re still holding a torch for them, because then it is no longer a ‘friendship of convenience’ - but a one-sided relationship, and it’s not fair on you. Have some respect for yourself and your state of mind. Pick yourself up and brush yourself off, give yourself some time to recover then get out there and have some fun!
Overall, I believe there can be such a thing as ‘no-strings sex’ providing both parties are completely honest about what they want. It takes a great deal of maturity, particularly if one person finds someone they would like to have a proper relationship with, and they break off the arrangement. Often though, these kinds of friendships endure, and when both people are single again, they return to having sex with one another. Done right it can be a positive thing, as it means you’re having sex with someone you know and have a certain level of fondness for, rather than having one-night stands. Done badly though, it can cause a lot of heartache, so if you’re considering it, make sure it’s for the right reasons!
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No Strings Sex – Does It Exist?
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