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Sex Tips : When a Man Wants More Sex Than His Partner

Posted in: Sex Tips | Oct 17, 2009 - 5:31:42 PM

If this was an ideal world, we would all be perfectly matched sexually to our partners. At least, that is how they tell us it will be in the movies and in the romance novels.

I've spoken before about how to approach a sex drive mismatch when the woman wants more sex, but it is often more prevalent to find the opposite. Do NOT punish or barter with sex. You have something that he wants. Tempting to use it as leverage to get what you want or drive a point home, isn't it?

If this was an ideal world, we would all be perfectly matched sexually to our partners. At least, that is how they tell us it will be in the movies and in the romance novels. I've spoken before about how to approach a sex drive mismatch when the woman wants more sex, but it is often more prevalent to find the opposite.

The fact that it is more common and more talked about can actually make this problem an even thornier issue. When a woman has a higher sex drive, there can be more of a motivation to solve the problem together. But when we expect that men will have unceasing sex drives, it can be little more than a joke or a nuisance...anything but a problem to be solved together with care. However, in the same way that I suggested that men take care with how they respond to their eager partners, I suggest the same for the women with lusty partners.

Here then are a few important things to keep in mind:
Sex is a multi-layered thing. There aren't many people in the world who separate out their sexual needs from their other needs. Men, especially, seek out sex when they are wanting affection, connection, or excitement. So in the same way that you feel rejected if your man pulls away from a hug or a cuddle, so too does he feel rejection emotionally if you turn him down for more carnal connections. You might be meaning to communicate that you're not quite in the mood for sex, but what he hears might be something completely different. Being aware of his needs is key. As is remembering to be kind.

Habits are easy to form and hard to break. Have you found yourself pulling away every time your man comes up behind you? Do you always push his hand away when he goes in for a surreptitious grope? It can be very easy to get yourself into a rut. But think about it...do you really mean to stop him at the pass every time he touches you? Are you actually denying yourself and your partner a whole heap of affection just so you can stop him before he gets started? Letting your man touch you sounds like a simple thing, but it is surprising how often we look back on our own actions and see how many times we've pushed someone away not even thinking about it. You might think you're jokingly telling him that you don't have time for bedroom shenanigans, but he might be hearing that you don't want him to touch you ever.

Remember that all problems look great to someone. For every time you think how you would give anything if he would just let you sleep in peace, there is another woman out there thinking that she would do anything if her partner would give her the odd group some time. It can be hard to imagine when you've got a man all but humping your leg after you've had a long day, but try to think about it from another angle. Sometimes all it takes is to think about how you would feel if you suddenly didn't have this problem.

Giving him a hard time doesn't help anyone. If you don't have a similar sex drive, the fact that he seems to want sex all the time when what YOU want is for him to clean up the house one time so you can go to bed early can drive you right up a wall. It is very easy in this situation to get angry with him. Do your best to find a way to look at it that doesn't make you angry, because the angrier you are, the less sex you want, the less sex you give, the more he wants. It's a horrid cycle that can be stopped by taking a moment to remember that you love the horny animal.

Do NOT punish or barter with sex. You have something that he wants. Tempting to use it as leverage to get what you want or drive a point home, isn't it? Resist the urge. As I've said earlier, sex isn't just sex. So every time you withhold sex to punish him for something you don't like, or use it as a reward for 'good behaviour', you're setting yourself up to be distrusted and disliked in the long run. No one likes to have someone lord power over them--this is especially true if that power comes at the expense of sexual pleasure, emotional security, and happiness.

Talk to him. Always the most simple advice and the last to be taken. But when it comes to sex, it is hard to talk too much. Making sure you know what he wants and that he knows what your concerns are can make all the difference in how you solve this problem and strengthen your relationship. Do you really know how much sex your partner would even want in an ideal situation? Do you know how he feels about how much you're currently having or how you're having it? You really should. You might find that your sex drives aren't nearly as disparate as you might think they are.

Take advantage of all the ways out there to make your task easier. You love the guy, right? So think of ways to make him happy. I am not suggesting that you start having sex every night of the week just to make your partner happy. That would be crazy talk. No one should do anything they don't want to do. But there is a point of compromise between not satisfying his needs and giving him everything that he wants. There are ways to satisfy your partner that don't involve you having sex you don't want to have (though some of them might change your mind halfway through). I'm sure you know that--you are on this site, afterall...

Take a look at my companion article on Practical Approaches to Dealing with Sex Drive Mismatch for possible ideas to try out. And remember to have fun--both your own fun, and the fun you have when you see your man having a great time.

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