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When a Woman Wants More Sex Than Her Partner

Posted in: Sex Tips | Nov 27, 2007 - 12:08:53 PM

In the movies and on television, you get one of two sexual realities: either a couple is magically connected, with matching sex drives and fabulous chemistry resulting in constant, effortless mutual orgasms.

When a sexual drive mismatch happens, it isn’t always the man who wants more sex than his partner is providing. Unlike the image of the ever-ready man presented on television, not all men want sex all the time.

In the movies and on television, you get one of two sexual realities: either a couple is magically connected, with matching sex drives and fabulous chemistry resulting in constant, effortless mutual orgasms; or the couple’s sexual mismatch is cause for comedy—usually with the guy chasing after his girl, constantly making bargains or begging for sexual gratification.
 
In real life, the first option doesn’t really happen and the second really isn’t funny.  Sex is a very big deal when it comes to the health of a relationship.  Not just something fun to do, or a physical urge, sex is a messy mishmash of feeling loved, connected, excited, and content.  When someone isn’t getting their sexual needs fulfilled—especially when they are in the context of a relationship and so feel that more intense frustration—it can increase their tendencies to get angry faster, their feelings of insecurity and jealousy, and decrease their overall feeling of connection to their partner.
 
When a sexual drive mismatch happens, it isn’t always the man who wants more sex than his partner is providing.  Unlike the image of the ever-ready man presented on television, not all men want sex all the time.  Nor are they able to provide it at a moment’s notice.  So what happens when a woman has a higher sex drive than her partner?
 
In this situation, probably the most important thing you should realize is that all those media-driven images of what you are supposed to be should to be tossed out the window.  A woman is not a whore because she wants to get laid every day and a man is not a wimp if he doesn’t.  Applying these sorts of labels to yourself or to your partner is only going to make matters worse.
 
Here then are some of the most important things to consider when trying to handle this type of sexual mismatch effectively:
 
Remember that that is the person who you love.  It is easy to get caught up in the intense, immediate emotions when sex is concerned.  It is far too easy to start thinking of your partner as nothing more than her constant demands on you—she becomes nothing more than the thing you can’t satisfy.  For women, her partner becomes just the person who is cruelly refusing to give her what she needs.  When this happens, it is very important to take a step back and remember that this is your partner—the person you want to satisfy and keep happy because they make you happy.
 
Keep your sense of humour.  Sure, it doesn’t seem all that funny when you just want to go to sleep and your girlfriend is nagging you to perform your manly duties, but it kind of is.  At least, it should be.  We are all of us obnoxious to some degree.  In the same way that you learn to laugh at your partner leaving the toilet seat up or their incessant need to sing along to show tunes in the car, this is just another aspect to their personality and what makes them who they are.  Keep a light mood and you’ll find that no problem is unfixable—but do remember that keeping a sense of humour does not mean laughing at your partner.
 
Tread lightly and with love.  It is all well and good for me to tell you to throw those media-driven images out the window—but in real life, it won’t be that easy.  So be careful what you say.  One careless comment about how she “is like a dog in heat,â€� will stick with her for ages.  Same too any comment you toss out about how ineffectual he is at satisfying you.  When it comes to sex, if you’re feeling serious, you need to think twice about what you say.  It is all too likely that you’ll have plenty of time to think about it after you say it, when your partner is crying over it again.
 
Ease up on the blame.  Our sex drives come to us from birth.  We really don’t have a lot of control over it, outside of doing some strange contortions to suppress it, so it does no one any good to blame each other.  Do not tell her that you don’t want sex because she turns you off, or because she isn’t attractive enough, or doesn’t do it for you—not EVER, unless you want to ensure that she never feels comfortable in bed with you again.  Acknowledge that your sex drive is your own—there is no shame in having a lower sex drive, but own up to it.  Do not pretend that if you were with someone else you would want sex all the time.  Unless that is true, in which case your problem is not a drive mismatch.
 
Talk to your partner.  Sounds simple, no?  Except that when it comes to sex, every conversation becomes that much more difficult.  But you need to get a handle on the situation.  Rather than just thinking “she wants a whole lot more sex than I can handleâ€� or “he never wants sex enough to initiate it,â€� really talk about it.  How much is “a whole lotâ€�?  Is she really needing that much sex, or is she just worried that if she stops hounding you for sex that she’ll never get laid again?  It can seem a great deal more manageable if you know that she is going to want sex at a bare minimum of three times a week and free rein to masturbate in bed with you the other four nights, rather than just having this amorphous idea that you will never manage to satisfy her.
 
Remember what you get out of the situation. Sure, she wants more sex than you do, but isn’t it great that whenever you ARE in the mood, you can depend on her to be right there with you?  And maybe he doesn’t attack you in the kitchen as much as you like, but isn’t it nice that you can always count on him for a cuddle?  Our partners are more than just the sum total of their sex drives and how they are in bed.  Remembering in what ways they do satisfy us can make all the difference.
 
And finally…
 
Make use of whatever tools will help you. You know how you boys like to problem solve?  Well, your partner wanting more sex than you do is just another problem to tackle.  Luckily for you, we have reams and reams of solutions out there.  So long as you keep an open mind, a good attitude, and a genuine interest in taking care of your woman, a woman with a high sex drive can stop being an insurmountable problem and become a real treasure.

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